Calm down

The applying work for graduate schools in the USA was finished. Now I'm waiting for the final result, or in another sense - the final death. Because I know during this time I've done a so-so job, and therefore God will only pay back to me equal things.

However, I've already started a new period of studying and exploring. During my internship in the Institute of Remote Sensing Application of Chinese Academy of Sciences, I'm working on the land classification, putting my knowledge of pattern recognition into practice. And if I show my interest, I can use the lab's server to explore in the world of parallel programming.

Besides, with the chance of my graduation project, I started to know about Data Mining. And during the project, I planned to use some new techniques - such as GWT and Weka.

Finally, in next semester, I'll start the Open-Source Club and get more deeply in this fantastic world. I've made many friends in the name of Open-Source, and I don't want to lose this chance - to enhance my knowledge and eye-sight, to make myself more clear about this world, and to guide me to find where my career locates.

I know that if I'm rejected by all schools, the following year will be rather difficult. But I will feel more ashamed if I start a new period still with a confusing brain. The bad result does not mean an end, but a chance to march on a better start. What I badly need now is just calm down, do more learning and find the particular field I really would like to devote in.

Keep Myself / Nov 29, 2009

With the coming of the deadline, my applying work also enters the final stage - the most urgent and busy stage. Every day, I search for admission procedure and add some more information to my online applications. I revise my Statement of Purpose again and again. And I have to concern about my test scores of GRE and TOEFL. What's more, since I made some mistakes in 2 schools' online applications, I have no choice but to what the officers return to work after the thanksgiving vocation.

Besides, my graduation project has started, so I must process it and do my preliminary searching and writing. Oh, what a life...

However, I have a strong feeling that I can not lose myself again since my crashing down during a heavy fever. So no matter how busy and how pressing my work is, I should try my best to keep myself. Because I have promised to my ancient sage.

No matter how many your affairs are, I should make my heart silent and clarified.

Nov 23, 2009

I'm back now, after taking the 3 terrible standardized tests. What's more, in my 22nd birthday, I received both a great happiness and a tragedy. Now, thanks to the God, I've resolved the problem between my GF and myself.

This week, there are still many missions in front of me. I know that life is the process that one problem comes after another. So I never beg the God to give me an easier life. The only thing I can do is to confront them and destroy one by one.

What's the true reason that I decided to continue my relationship with her? I was keeping on asking myself during these days. Now I believe that I get the answer. It is a chance that I want to prove to myself that I can do well in my work and catch on my happiness simultaneously. In the past, for I'm tired of endless setbacks, I just wanted to cast all relevant things and persons away and let myself alone. As a result, I've hurt many people's heart, especially hers. And what's more, hearing about my dear sister's tragedy of love, I realize that her BF left her for the sake of his own future and prospect. I don't want to be that kind of man. And I can feel that I become love with her. So now, I take my last courage to try to achieve a commitment I make to myself - love is not exclusive with career. If I also leave her as the same way that my dear sister's BF did, I will become the similar selfish person like him. I don't want to be that one, and I also want to give the confidence to my dear sister, telling her that it was not a true love between her and her former BF and she should not lose her belief of love just because of him.

So begins my period of a new love. And I restarted my exercise of Taichi from tonight on. For these tests, I've lost mass of my treasures, which made me not myself. Then after taking a serious disease for nearly a whole week, I began to know what are more considerable to myself. My family, my dear sister, my lover, my friends, and my unyielding hope and dream. They are the pillars that support my life and make me feel my sense of existence. Though affairs do not be fewer now, and there have come lots of new setbacks, for my heart toward them has changed, I can feel more energetic to resolve and overcome them. Yes, I have the confidence which is not so strong than today's that I can pass through this tortuous way with the guidance of my heart and the power that ancient sages give me.

Time is always passing regardless of your wish. Think clearly and actively, then come back to the road with my treasures. This time should be different, and my future should be that different.

Oct 15, 2009

No outstanding scores in GRE, TOEFL or GPA, no experiences in researching or international competitions, with no contacts with gurus in my major, no aid from consult corporations, no profound inspection of graduate schools, that I'm still on my fighting of applying is a miracle itself. From a naive boy to a sticker and forbidding man now, the time has seen my successive progress and transmission.

During this tortuous way, I've gained not only setbacks and frustrations, but largess the destiny gave. I returned to Nanking and assured that this city would be my destination of in my future ideal and career. Also I received a short-term love with a kind girl. Though our way of loving might comes to the end due to my taxing tasks and her future onuses.

But what's the most significant is that God granted a gracious younger sister to me. She is like an elf around me that brings sense of hope and happiness to me. However, she has suffered two failed love experiences that her spirit and faith of love are almost ruined. It's timely that we two sole hearts meet with each other. We are not lovers, but we are sharing a liaison that more familiar and deeply than lovers.

I don't how my impending way will be, but from such a unique path I think that I've revived my former faiths and spirits, along with my subliminal dream. Maybe several years past, when I look back to this year, I would feel that I lost no minute to discover myself.

Always Want to Know More

These days, it seemed as if I got a headache. The pain was so serious that I could not continue my everyday plan for my applying to American graduate schools.

However, on the contrary, I was able to take time think about my current situation and future path. Last night, I had two talks with two of my teachers respectively. One of them advised me to keep on studying, especially abroad. The other told me that I shall not urge myself to think about things occurring in the very future, and instead, I need just focus on my present applying and fight for chances to go abroad.

And for me, I've gained so much during my applying process. I've thought about my advantages and disadvantages, promoted my English ability, planed and evaluated for my future career possibility, and reinforced my communicating experiences with teachers, friends, and even strangers. However the result will be, I will feel no hesitate that I made up my such decision one year ago.

Now, I'm preparing for 3 remaining tests and leading the way for new members of BNU Robot Union to design and manipulate robots. After the competition in the middle of November, I will return to the scholar field, searching for internships, reading lots of scripts, doing sorts of programming and contacting with professors about my progress, thoughts and presumable confusions.

Recalling myself to the first year of my undergraduate career, I feel that I was naive and bored about courses and homework then. Now, I regard as a valuable and rare era the chance to receive education and observe the world in scholar eyes. I don't know whether I will have such a chance again, but I shall continue my way of life with my critical thinking and reasonable frameworks of contemplating.

Milestone in October

Hitherto, I've contacted with no more than 3 professors. It seems awful because only one replied to me, whose major is far away from mine.

During the daytime of October 4, I had a meeting with my close friends from No.1 Senior School of Zhenjiang. Three of them also planned to apply for studying abroad. Talking with them, I resumed to think profoundly into myself, advantages and disadvantages, successes and failures, rules and pitfalls, and thus deduced what I could do in my predictable future time.

Now I set 3 ways in front of me. The first is the Joint Ph.D. Program in Machine Learning and Public Policy. By receive this kind of education and research, I can broaden my perspective and eye sight in order to support NGO with my talent and knowledge. Second is the Joint Ph.D. Program in Computer Science and Sociology. Through this path I wish to become more specialized in schloar field of Sociology equipped with my computer technology background. Thenceforth, I can establish my observation or even theory to express my opinions towards this society and China's currency. Finally comes the third way, Master or Ph.D. of Machine Learning & Robotics. Considering my experience with China Robot Competition and Robocup, I've become deeply loved about this subject. Progressing in this path, my goal is to be an engineer of Robot Industry, donating to the field with my knowledge of AI and implementing more interesting robots to facilitate human's lives.

So these are my current purposes, and I will soon resume to search for programs, projects and professors based on these purposes. What's more, since these are my aims in my whole life, I should lead each of my efforts towards them. Not only my applying work, but my internship or lab assistant work should be in the light of such aims.

Last night, I found a Joint Ph.D. Program in Machine Learning & Public Policy in CMU, which is provided by Department of Machine Learning and Heinz College. I should do further search in other universities similar with this program. Go on my sole fighting, there is nothing but my fear can stop me. So defeat it!

By the way, I recommend Drin Wang to have a conversation with my younger sister this noon. The result is far better than my expectation. Wang promised to help her find internship jobs and give some useful advices. How I wish my dear sister can eventually find her way and value of life. Sometimes, I feel that this sense is much more than that of myself. Aha, maybe this is the sense of love.

Return Home Again

Finally return home this morning, while a great many freshmen are on their way towards their universities, their future. Yesterday, when I got into the train, I sent a message to my intimate Wang, telling her about my embarrassing state and hoping that she could avoid my way in her way of applying for studying abroad. To my surprised, she replied soon and gave me a simile that the way in front of me could be that like Phoenix Nirvana. She said that the phoenix might not realize his future beauty and sanctity during his burning process.

That night, when I in the tortuous progress of reciting GRE words, I saw Chiang Kai-shek, my exemplar, in the railway television. His mass of political setbacks and yet his rooted faith and loyalty of Three Principles of People came to my mind and thus made me recall my tortuous experience. 大中至正，其介如石. I always regard him as the most reasonable man I should become. Then note that he suffered a large arrange of defeats but still held the principles of Sun Yat-sen who is Father of Republic of China, there was no reason for me to renunciate my struggle or discard my faith and dream.

The most awesome feature for an individual is the seriousness. From my internship in ETC of China Software Inc., I again testified this truth. Now another challenge was in front of me, I had no choice but confronted it with all my passion and effort. There has been no way on this planet, only by people's trudges across the land came the way leading our hope and dream.